I don’t know how to start this piece. With all the time on my hands to think, I am aware that I am living in the unknown, and all I know is I don’t know. Actually, I know something— I know I am not okay, but I hope that you are. I know that the world has to be going through what I'm feeling right now. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone that has been affected by COVID-19, I hope you welcome these thoughts with an open heart and open mind.
HOW ARE YOU?
These days when I'm asked “How are you?” I take a moment to think about how I really am feeling. For the first time in a long time the mind has become extremely meditative, yet loud. As Drake says, it’s starting to drive itself like a Tesla. It makes me think about all the other times I’m usually quick to give the cliche answers: “I’m good”, “I’m fine”. After all, who really wants to get into what you’re going through? This moment brings the utmost sense of awareness— I’m uninspired, exhausted, drained, and I can’t even pretend.
If you are like me deep in your thoughts right now—Be aware, understand it, accept it.
I don’t know if I wasn’t as aware. Or maybe it’s because we‘re all so tethered to these little micro-worlds right now— Where I am forced to pay attention to the things that sit right under my nose, the flowers dancing with the wind, and the birds flying over me. This type of observation can be grounding. Although, the pigeons and squirrels in NYC would square up with me if given the opportunity. My point is there’s something therapeutic right now about watching something that has the freedom to fly around, move around, and express itself in its purest form. I am aware that I don’t have that same freedom right now, and I am not okay.
I know it’s hard to imagine how someone can express these feelings, and not be deemed selfish, given the current climate of the world. But I’m here to tell you the two can tango—it is okay to feel sad while remaining aware of the state of the world. Yes, you should express your gratitude to the essential workers that have committed their lives to do the work that our society needs. No, you shouldn’t feel guilty for not being okay. It is okay to not be okay. This feeling of sadness is worth exploring, it’s yours, it’s mine. It’s giving us an opportunity to go deeper into our aloneness. The natural inclination when you’re feeling sad is to distract yourself with something. This pandemic has halted all opportunities to jump from one shallow happiness to another shallow happiness, one can even call it a blessing in disguise. That’s my positive outlook.
I am aware that I am blessed to be writing this from the comfort of my home. There’s this impression that because your calendar isn’t filled with meetings, tasks you shouldn’t be exhausted. I don’t even know what happened in April, and May is coming to an end already?
All I know is that every day felt like groundhog day. I saw this reference on twitter at first, I had to watch the movie to get an idea of what the reference meant. Every day that I’d wake up, and try to tackle my to-do list for the day, it was just hopeless. Some days I willed myself to get it done, some days I didn’t have enough energy to combat the deep melancholy that took over. Each day I tried to convince myself that I am not exhausted. But, sooner or later, the mask wears out — it is false, it cannot remain forever, and I don’t want to have to wear another mask. I for one thought it couldn’t get boring when the lockdown started for me, I even shared this post with the caption “Inside Life does not mean boring life”. That statement is as true as it can be, though repetition creates boredom, at least for me. Boredom brings sadness because one knows what is going to happen tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow…another day in the unknown.
My whole life, I try to live what I preach — authenticity is one of the recurring themes. I don’t think I’m keeping it real by keeping this to myself. Especially being someone that is vocal about the good days. I just felt the need to pen my feelings through this medium, in a way that’s not cryptic as I usually do with my #WiseWordsFromANaijaMan Instagram captions. Speaking of WWFANM, at least that has brought me some joy, trying to start the podcast with that same title has been fun, even typing that alone made me smile because I’ve been holding that in. Right now, I’m using my sadness as a blessing, not running away from it. Sitting silently with it, rejoicing in it. Starting to realize there is nothing wrong with being sad. The more you become aware of it and understand it, you will be amazed— it can be a moment to relax and breathe, meaning you may come out of it full of joy and replenished if you allow it. Whenever you feel sad, I say relax into your sadness without any fear. I don’t know if this will work for you, but I know it‘s working for me. There’s beauty in sadness, that isn’t really talked about. Maybe what it really is, is silent joy?
This is a gift of a lifetime. For the first time in our lives, business takes second place to everything else. So I won’t get into the politics or even into how it has affected business. Not because it hasn’t, but because I still owe Project 96’s community another piece with updates on why we haven’t dropped a new product in 6+ months. I will say, all of us in business, or with our various projects can take this moment to take a good look at ourselves and what we contribute to our society. I am not saying we all need to start a non-profit tomorrow. I just think that we need to be extremely cognizant of the quality of what we do, how we affect people, and how we connect with people. Taking this time to reflect on what I am, and what I represent in the world. Metaphorically looking in the mirror, learning more about myself to get inspired if I really want to reinvent myself. #96
Truthfully, what triggered this entire piece and added kerosene to the fire that was starting to burn, was coming to terms with not having #P96SummerExperience this year. If you’ve been there, you know. If you haven’t, I’ll try to explain it in a few words, although it’s something you have to be there to experience. The energy, the feeling, submerged by people who look like you but are completely different from you. All breathing in a common atmosphere, all breathing life into each other, with the hopes that the two entities might come away from the interaction a bit different than they went in. This year would’ve been the fourth year, but it’s more than likely not happening. Coming to terms with that is really hard for me. I am not okay. I don’t know if opting for a digital experience would suffice, but it’s something I’d like to explore. Without getting too deep into it, the experience was built on something deeper than connectivity; sensitivity. Sensitivity involves a tough, sometimes awkward encounter between two uniquely distinct individuals. and this meeting, this sensing, requires and takes place in time. If we can figure out how to digitize that, we’ll make it happen. If not, see you in 2021.
I’m a firm believer that everything is better outside— as a New Yorker, summer in NYC is unmatched, aside from the events that we get to partake in, just the breathe of not-so-fresh air after going months in the freezing cold is everything one can ever wish for. I’m not here to add to your list of things that are keeping you down, I’m sure there’s a lot. My sister lost her part-time job. My friend broke down when she found out her graduation was happening on a webchat. My best friend’s dad contracted COVID-19, thankfully he’s okay now. The killing of my fellow black brothers & sisters. The list goes on. All of that to say, over 96+ days of being indoors, I know I am not okay. This is real, this feeling is mine, it’s authentic to my current experience with the world.
This isn’t a cry for help from me. I smile every day knowing we’ll get through this. Nature, which governs the whole, will soon change all things that you see. I’ll get back into my build, sell, and play space. When? I don’t know right now. I don’t know if writing this will make you aware of what you’re feeling, or help you understand it. But I hope you accept that it is okay to not be okay. If you need help to navigate your feelings, do seek it! Don’t feel ashamed to be helped.
I will be okay.
Peace & Love.
